Just a Shade Short of Black
by Aleia15
Summary: This is what they are. This is how it came to be. Warnings: BDSM. Violence. Remixed from Faorism' Shiner


**Just a Shade Short of Black (The Love Is Pain Remix)**

It takes one year, three months and fourteen days for Kakashi to open up to Iruka and make his request. Their relationship is stable, if yet infused with that kind of wide-eyed wonder of all things new and unexpectedly _too good to be true_. They are a perfect, if unusual, match in every sense. Iruka can take anything Kakashi dishes out, and retaliates in kind. They are equals in every sense of the word, and Kakashi likes it this way. He has always been looking for that perfect balance in a relationship.

He doesn't want to mess this up. It's not the relationship that is lacking.

He loves Iruka; there isn't a doubt about it in either of their minds. And he does enjoy the sex. It's difficult not to, when Iruka is funny, and hot and can bend in a way that leaves Kakashi breathless with need. But this part of himself is one Kakashi hasn't shared with anyone in a long time, and the need hasn't disappeared.

The cracks are beginning to show.

"Let me get this straight," Iruka says slowly, breaking the uncomfortable silence that has settled between the two of them since Kakashi asked. "You want me to hurt you?"

That Iruka's asking is a good sign in itself. He's not run for the hills or started shouting. He's not shown any sign of disgust, or just assumed the worst. He's staring at Kakashi with a considering expression, and his words are carefully measured.

"No. Not hurt me," Kakashi clarifies, the worry clenching his gut easing a bit. "That's not what this is about, though I don't-I wouldn't ask you to if you're uncomfortable with it. What I want you to-I need-what I-" he suddenly feels clumsy and tongue-tied trying to explain it to Iruka. It's the first time he has ever made this request to someone outside the scene, but it has to be Iruka. It would be pointless with anyone else. "It's not about pain, it's about letting go and giving power to other person. To you."

Iruka smiles kindly at him. "I see. I have to think about it."

They finish their dinner quietly, and that night Iruka doesn't touch Kakashi except to wrap around his body when going to sleep.

Kakashi stares blindly at the ceiling and wonders if he's managed to screw up the best thing that's happened to him in a long time.

...

It takes Iruka three days to ask the first question.

"It won't change anything between us outside the bedroom, will it?"

Kakashi looks up from his reading, startled at the suddenness of the inquiry. He deposits the book by his side and shakes his head. "No. I like the way we are just fine. And it doesn't need to be _all the time_in the bedroom either."

Iruka gives a short nod, not an answer to the request but in acknowledgment of the explanation, and heads to the kitchen to get a couple of beers.

They don't speak of it again that day, but at night Iruka kisses him as if drowning himself in Kakashi's mouth. And for the first time in the past days, Kakashi finally relaxes.

...

It takes six more days until Iruka has his reply ready.

"If we're going to do this," he says as they're cleaning the dishes after dinner, the silence comfortable and familiar as Iruka hands Kakashi the soaped plates and bowls for him to rinse. "You're going to need a safe word. And we need to establish some boundaries, I don't want to cross any lines because I'm inexperienced and you are afraid I won't continue if you stop me."

Kakashi lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding, gripping the bowl in his hand hard enough to turn his knuckles white. He hasn't breached the subject since he opened that particular can of worms, but it has never been far from his mind. He closes his eyes, weak in the knees with sheer relief that he's not destroyed what they have with his request.

They go to the living room with a beer when they're done, Kakashi sprawling on the couch and Iruka sitting on the floor with his back to him, his head resting next to Kakashi's.

"You'll need a word to stop me and another to make me slow down," Iruka continues in a low voice, staring straight ahead. "I don't know my boundaries, and even more dangerous, I don't know yours. I'm assuming you have them."

Kakashi can't help the smile twisting the corners of his mouth. "I do. Someone has been reading up on the subject," he teases. Now that he knows everything will be fine, he's feeling giddy with relief.

The flush that spreads over Iruka's neck and ears is nothing short of endearing, and Kakashi leans forward and nuzzles the soft skin behind his ear.

"Yeah. I can't go into this blindly," Iruka admits leaning into the contact. "I don't want to mess this up, I'm still not certain I won't. But I'm willing to try."

It's enough for Kakashi, more than enough. He grabs Iruka's head and turns it until he can kiss him, the posture awkward but the kiss hard and demanding. They part breathlessly after a minute, Kakashi's chest heaving and his blood pounding in his ears. Iruka disentangles Kakashi's hand from his hair and stands up, climbing on to the couch and straddling his chest.

"What's your stop?" he demands, his voice losing all the uncertainty of the previous conversation.

Kakashi's arousal spikes at the tone and the look in Iruka's eyes. He hadn't imagined they would be doing it _now_but he's not going to complain. "Butterfly."

Iruka nods, grabbing his hands and pulling until Kakashi's arms are stretched over his head. He tenses, his body's normal reaction at the loss of freedom, and forces himself to relax.

"And to slow down?"

"Sunflower."

Iruka leans forward, smiling. His kiss this time is nothing like the previous ones, it's possessive and brutal, almost as if he was claiming Kakashi, and it leaves him lightheaded with its intensity. Kakashi's instinct is to wrap his arms around Iruka's shoulder, but his hands are restrained in a vice like grip and his upper body is immobilized under Iruka's weight. He can do nothing but take it.

This is exactly what he has been craving. They are both aware that Kakashi can shake Iruka off him with just a bit of effort but he won't. He surrenders, melting into the couch and letting Iruka take what he wants.

When they part for breath Iruka is hard against Kakashi's torso, his eyes concerned for an instant until he sees the ravenous look on Kakashi's face. He smiles then, moving until he's gripping both wrists with one hand, the other free to undo his trousers. Iruka scoots up, his crotch level with Kakashi's face.

Kakashi's mouth dries at the sight, the knowledge of what Iruka is about to do making him painfully hard. Iruka grips his hair with his free hand, tugging his head up and pressing his cock against Kakashi's lips.

"Do you have anything to say?" he asks softly and Kakashi parts his lips, the weight of Iruka's cock in his mouth incredibly arousing.

"No," he rasps out.

"Then suck it," Iruka says before pushing forward, his cock filling Kakashi's mouth and hitting against his throat in one quick move.

Kakashi has to fight the blind panic and instinctive rejection it causes, forcing himself to breathe through his nose and relax his throat, fighting his gag reflex. He tenses, his entire body buckling under Iruka's grip, and then relaxes closing his eyes and pretending not to notice the tiny flinch in Iruka's expression. But the grip on his wrists and hair doesn't relent; it tightens the moment Kakashi presses his tongue against the underside of Iruka's cock and starts to suck.

It is an uncomfortable position, the strain on his neck and shoulders making it awkward. Kakashi sucks Iruka's cock, his lips moving over the base as his throat constricts around the tip, the taste of it filling his mouth, his nose buried in the dark curls of Iruka's hair and drowning in his scent. He can feel the tremors coursing Iruka's body atop of him, and the throb of his own neglected cock rubbing against his underwear. Kakashi would moan if he could utter any sound, the knowledge that he's going to come without a hand on him making him even harder.

Iruka begins to thrust his hips forward, fucking Kakashi's mouth with short, powerful moves that hit the back of his throat each time and makes Kakashi struggle to breathe, to take everything in. They're both shaking when Iruka releases his arms, gripping Kakashi hair painfully with both hands and holding his head against his crotch as he tenses and comes, filling Kakashi's mouth and forcing him to swallow or suffocate. It's this final moment, the bitterness of Iruka's come on his tongue and down his throat what makes Kakashi stiffen and come in his pants, his entire body trembling with the force of his release.

He feels lightheaded from lack of oxygen and the most powerful orgasm in memory when Iruka moves back, studying Kakashi's face intently for any sign of discomfort. He relaxes when he sees none, stretching half on top of him on the couch and kissing him languidly. Kakashi is too wiped out to do anything but open his mouth and let Iruka do what he wants.

"Did I hurt you?" Iruka finally asks after an eternity, Kakashi half asleep by that time.

"No."

Iruka takes his hands and delicately kisses the faint bruises forming around his wrist and Kakashi smiles, letting himself fall completely into darkness.

Those marks will be there when he wakes up, and he will look at them proudly.

...

It takes two months for them to find their balance.

After that first time, the following attempts are rather clumsy and tame, leaving Kakashi aching and strangely unsatisfied. The boldness of that first time is gone, replaced by an Iruka who's trying to balance the power given to him with his need to protect and cherish.

It's not possible, not unless Iruka realizes both things are the same.

Kakashi knows exactly what the problem is, and had hoped Iruka would be able to see it for himself. That first time was good, and Iruka enjoyed it more than he had probably imagined he would. Iruka's having a hard time reconciling the person who enjoyed wielding that power with the one who would do practically anything to keep Kakashi from harm.

They're in the middle of a scene when things come to a head.

Kakashi's completely naked in the middle of the room, his arms tied behind his back and his hitai-ate covering his eyes. He can feel Iruka close, circling him, looking at him. And even without his sight he can tell what expression Iruka is wearing.

It's not the one he remembers from that first time.

"Don't move," Iruka orders, his hands coming to rest on Kakashi's torso, nails raking over his nipples and sending a shiver down his spine.

But the voice is wrong, not firm and sure as it should be.

Kakashi closes his eyes under the blindfold and takes a deep breath, trying to relax into the touch and _not think_. It's not working.

Two fingers close around his nipple and twist it, not hard enough for it to be painful, and his cock throbs in arousal, his body responding to the stimulation and Iruka's presence.

"Kneel," Iruka says and Kakashi feels his legs trying to obey just before his mouth opens.

"No. Stop. This isn't going to work," he hears himself saying, and he can't tell who's more shocked, himself or Iruka. He had not intended to voice his doubts, but now it's in the open Kakashi knows it's the truth. "Butterfly," he says, because they're still in the middle of a scene, and it needs to come to a proper end.

His hands are loose and the blindfold removed in less than a minute, and Kakashi turns to see Iruka sitting on the bed staring at him with a confused expression on his face.

"Did I hurt you?" It's the first thing out of his mouth, and Kakashi would laugh at how ridiculous the question is if it wasn't so serious. They have done nothing that could be considered painful, and yet Iruka is still concerned.

"No," he says, walking down to the bed and sitting next to him. "But we need to talk."

Iruka nods, his expression miserable. "I don't-" he begins, but Kakashi doesn't let him speak.

"Do you trust me?" he says, and Iruka closes his mouth with a loud snap.

"What?" Iruka says after few moments of silence, his expression changing so fast to one of incredulity Kakashi has a hard time not smiling. He's very easy to read.

"Do you trust me?" he repeats patiently.

"Are you an idiot? Of course I trust you," Iruka answers quickly and this time Kakashi allows himself a small smile. He nods. "And it's the other way around, you're the one who has to trust me for this."

"And I do trust you, I know you would never hurt me," Kakashi replies sincerely, because it's the truth or this would have never come up in the first place. "But I don't think you trust yourself in this because you enjoyed it more than you think you should," he sighs, stopping Iruka's protest with a look. "And you don't trust me."

Iruka doesn't say anything; he just stares hard at Kakashi waiting for him to continue.

"I trust you to stop and not push me past my boundaries," Kakashi continues in a low tone, not averting his eyes from Iruka's. "But you have to trust me to know where my boundaries are, to stop you if there is something I don't want. And right now you don't."

Iruka just nods silently and stands up, walking up to the door.

"Iruka," Kakashi calls him before he can leave the room. "You are allowed to like it. This isn't solely for my benefit."

Iruka nods again and leaves the room, leaving Kakashi naked and alone and wondering if that's it for them.

He comes back a minute later, his expression clearer than it has been for the past two months. He walks up to Kakashi and grabs his head between his hands, leaning down and kissing him deeply.

"I'm sorry, you're right," he says when they finally part for air, pressing his forehead against Kakashi's.

Kakashi encircles his waist with his arms and spreads his thighs to press him close, breathing in Iruka's scent.

It's going to work.

...

It takes just one second for everything to go wrong.

For the past nine months everything has been perfect, almost like a second honeymoon period which, by all rights, should have been over quite some time ago. Kakashi doubts it ever will, not with Iruka.

He doesn't mind much the odd looks some of his friends are giving him, or that irksome serious expression Gai keeps aiming at him every time a new mark or bruise appears. They are careful, but sometimes things just get a bit rough. Besides, it's nobody's business but theirs.

The day has been stressful and the last mission even more so. Kakashi needs to unwind.

The scene is one they have practiced before, and Kakashi's mouth is dry with expectation, his entire body tingling with the promise of what's to come. He's naked, kneeling in the middle of their bedroom waiting for Iruka to move. His knees are aching and his entire skin feels chilled, the cool air raising goose bumps. He's been holding this position for what feels like an eternity, Iruka just staring at him from the other side of the room, his approving gaze at Kakashi's stillness almost like a caress.

Iruka moves suddenly, stalking towards Kakashi and gripping his hair roughly. He brings his mouth down, his kiss biting and savage. Kakashi yearns to lean into it, press himself against the body tantalizingly close, but has been ordered to stay like that.

Iruka moves back with a wet sound; Kakashi's lower lip dragged between his teeth, and regards him stonily. Kakashi's so hard it hurts.

It happens then, the instant Iruka moves forward to attack and Kakashi tenses in anticipation. This is the hardest part: controlling his reactions so carefully as to accept the blow, force his body not to counterattack, to do nothing but take the hit and absorb it. Kakashi is ready for it.

He isn't ready for the tiny explosion and loud crash just round the corner. The childish laughs not even registering in his mind as his body forgets where he is and what he's doing.

It's just a second, but it's enough for everything to go wrong.

Kakashi's eyes widen and sharpen, and his entire body tenses. He's concentrated his energy on the perceived threat, releasing an intense wave of chakra that would paralyze any enemy. Iruka is not an enemy, though. And he's more than skilled when it comes to controlling Kakashi.

Iruka is on him before he realizes Kakashi is fully in control of his senses, and he's pushing him down with more force than it's necessary. Kakashi can feel his balance shifting, his body falling forward too fast to stop, his hands still behind his back. He's sure Iruka will be apologizing for a long time for this one, the loud sound of his face connecting with the floor making them both cringe.

This should be the moment Kakashi calls the session off, the pain in his face and the swelling he can already feel in his eye telling him there's not going to be laughing this one off. _This one's going to bruise_, he thinks, and the _Butterfly_should be on the tip of his tongue, ready to fly and put a stop to it.

Except it isn't.

The only butterflies present are the ones in his stomach, his skin burning against Iruka's where they're touching. And they should be moving apart, assessing the damage and talking. Instead Iruka's grip moves to the back of his neck, first calming and apologizing and after a second holding him there. "Continue," Kakashi exhales, almost a plea and too low to be heard. But Iruka hears, and he does. And Kakashi shouldn't be spreading his legs wider to accommodate Iruka, shouldn't be pressing harder against the hard wood as Iruka pushes inside of him, hard and fast and painful. He shouldn't be thrusting against Iruka, eager for more of the burn, for more of the friction. It has all gone wrong, the entire session. It's the best one he can remember, raw and mindless and _perfect._

Later they will talk, and explain, and curl together in the bed just feeling each other's presence. And tomorrow Kakashi will have to explain, maybe invent a lie about a ticklish Iruka and sharp elbows to justify his eye. Gai won't believe it, probably nobody will. And there will be more questions, more odd looks and more of those awkward conversations about his wellbeing and abusive relationships.

Kakashi doesn't care, and neither does Iruka.

This here is just a part of what they are. It's not all there is to them.

_And it's nobody's business but theirs._

...


End file.
